Sensory Overload

An overwhelming few weeks involved jumping from one expensive destination to the next with little time for reading or writing and mostly running around engaged in touristy activities. In terms of skeptical thoughts, I might highlight the most banal points. I suppose the most common these days is pointing out the cultural relativism which most foreigners hold, while locals hold the opinion that progressive changes are needed fast. It would seem some foreigners subconsciously prefer developing countries remain undeveloped for their own delight. 

I thought I would post a less serious ‘Top Five’ advice for Indians, purely from the perspective of a traveler. Yes, I am fully aware this may be biased, and from the view of an international traveler, but I hope you might find a chuckle, or for those of you who have ventured to India, something to smile about.

1)               Bodily Noises

To what seems to be a cultural challenge, the inhabitants of Incredible India are congested into forming the most unusual and often colorful array of bodily noises you might ever wish to find. 

Proud to share their last meal, the gasses are dealt out in a variety of forms for your olfactorous pleasure. No need to inhibit the flow of these delightful smells, because locals deliver them to you without hands over the mouth, or hesitation to help disperse the noxious cloud for all to share. 

From the depths of one’s gut, a rumbling wave ripples through the esophagus accumulating the last ten minutes of phlegm, or whatever one can gather in what I suppose is a declaration that one has eaten well. This ceremonial habit usually coincides with the urge to expectorate, typically on the floor or ground in front of the gobber, regardless of the environment.  Avoiding the spittle is like remaining dry in the monsoon season. 

Lastly, it seems impossible to breathe without your mouth in India. Whether standing on the train, shopping, or eating, mouth-breathing is in fashion in the sub-continent. No need to use the proboscis here, according to observation. Perhaps the half of each meal falling from the mouth goes to the gods, but I can be sure with all the spices, it is no wonder smell plays little part in the consumption part of dinner. 

2)                  Driving Behavior

If the trains were not affixed to their rails, they would attempt to pass each other in India. From ‘all-way stops’ to ‘yielding’, it would seem as if the entire country had simply woken up one day with the roads laid out and combustion engine automobiles resting nearby without their manuals. In their attempt to utilize these miracles of the industrial age, it was trial and error as they all zoom about without the slightest of standards or organization. 

The word ‘chaos’ does not do Indian motorists justice. Despite the factory installed mirrors, turning signals and brake lights, it would seem the sole method of on-road communication is the horn. Indeed the loudest and largest horns indicate who has priority on the pavement. Domination by deafening is the rule of the road.

Certainly without the noise how would one know where to drive? Some prehistoric civilization painted arbitrary white lines on the sides and in the middle of the streets, yet to decipher what they were to mean might be impossible. Why restrict the 4 meter wide road to two lanes? Push those shoulders in as well and you have four lanes at all times! Double speed! 

Now those massive busses are thrown around like a dune buggy, flying around mountain hairpins and passing semi-trucks on blind corners. It would seem the smoldering remains of the last two busses lying on the side of the road simply did not make the right offerings to the gods, and that can be only explanation for the misfortune. 

The only way to maintain sanity would be to close your eyes and pretend you are on roller coaster. After all, the locals are not surprised when foreigners throw their arms around and scream anyway.

3)                  One Photo Please!

For any first time visitor in India, three words will ring through your ears more than any other, regardless of where you go, or who you find. Perhaps the highest form of currency in India is a snapshot with a foreigner, or maybe Indians are vampires who feed on pictures with strangers. Either way, most of the young people you find will stop you for the opportunity to hold you close (for the guys) and prove that they know an expat.

I strongly suggest not giving into these requests as you might find yourself overwhelmed by the zombie like mass which may follow. It is not ‘brains’ they mutter, but ‘ONE PHOTO’. An alternative would be to ask them why, perhaps they may reason on their own how creepy it is to ask strangers for a photograph, not to mention that they smile in it. To answer ‘No.’ not only seems unsatisfactory to them, but is usually followed by pleading.

My personal sure-fire way to avoid this dilemma is to respond in the language native to all Indians.

“Fifty rupees, one photo!”

This is typically followed by disappointed eyes and slumped shoulders. The Grinch’s heart shrunk three sizes that day. 

4)                  Maintenance 

They don’t make them like they used to! Well by that I suppose, the things used to just fix themselves, and now they simply fall apart. That is all well and good when it comes to the more disposable things in life, but now everything is allowed to fall into dilapidation until unusable. 

Buildings, cars, gardens, machines, and anything you can think of will be in pieces in no time, as time and nature takes its toll, to the confusion of its owners. Who knew rust was avoidable? Is it true buildings don’t have to fall apart after ten years? It turns out boats don’t have to sink five years after purchase. Gardens grow into national parks with ‘Enter at own risk!’ posted at the entrance. 

Everybody follows Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, but what is the point of a public toilet if it becomes overrun by an entire ecosystem? New shopping malls from last year look like they have been hit by a tsunami , and the architectural delights of the old British rule are now part of some apocalyptic experiment. Perhaps Wall-E will be needed sooner than expected. 

5)                  Hygiene

Not to make a cheap shot, but it had to come up.  I am far from a germophobe, but you know, some things are just crossing the line. I honestly have to ask where people wash their clothes and dishes. If they live near the river, the most common way is to gently dip the plates into the river water, then air dry them before deploying one’s dinner on it. 

I suppose nothing takes the cake more than when I saw the restaurant owner bring in wood for the fire, pat the feral  dogs,  clean up the kitchen scraps, take a piss on the wall, scratch his belly, digging for nosegold, then come and hand serve me some fresh chapatti, all without a single rinse of the hands. 

Oh you are not satisfied with the booger-belly-hair-piss-and-fleas-coated chapatti? The imagination takes over from there. Universally, every single hotel and restaurant I have ever been to in India, the word cleaning means the floor and table surfaces only. For anything else, refer to the maintenance section.  

Lastly, I am obliged to mention the universal toilet: everywhere! It would seem to be a public works project, to blanket the entire country in piss. Every wall of every street, if you smell nothing in particular, then society should be ashamed. Down a couple cups of tea and get at it! My stand-out photo however, should speak for itself.

------If anyone has anything else to add, I would love to hear it! Please comment.