An overwhelming few weeks involved jumping from one
expensive destination to the next with little time for reading or writing and
mostly running around engaged in touristy activities. In terms of skeptical
thoughts, I might highlight the most banal points. I suppose the most common
these days is pointing out the cultural relativism which most foreigners hold,
while locals hold the opinion that progressive changes are needed fast. It
would seem some foreigners subconsciously prefer developing countries remain
undeveloped for their own delight.
I thought I would post a less serious ‘Top Five’ advice for
Indians, purely from the perspective of a traveler. Yes, I am fully aware this
may be biased, and from the view of an international traveler, but I hope you
might find a chuckle, or for those of you who have ventured to India, something
to smile about.
1) Bodily
Noises
To what seems to be a cultural challenge, the inhabitants of
Incredible India are congested into forming the most unusual and often colorful
array of bodily noises you might ever wish to find.
Proud to share their last meal, the gasses are dealt out in
a variety of forms for your olfactorous pleasure. No need to inhibit the flow
of these delightful smells, because locals deliver them to you without hands
over the mouth, or hesitation to help disperse the noxious cloud for all to share.
From the depths of one’s gut, a rumbling wave ripples
through the esophagus accumulating the last ten minutes of phlegm, or whatever
one can gather in what I suppose is a declaration that one has eaten well. This
ceremonial habit usually coincides with the urge to expectorate, typically on
the floor or ground in front of the gobber, regardless of the environment. Avoiding the spittle is like remaining dry in
the monsoon season.
Lastly, it seems impossible to breathe without your mouth in
India. Whether standing on the train, shopping, or eating, mouth-breathing is
in fashion in the sub-continent. No need to use the proboscis here, according
to observation. Perhaps the half of each meal falling from the mouth goes to
the gods, but I can be sure with all the spices, it is no wonder smell plays
little part in the consumption part of dinner.
2)
Driving
Behavior
If the trains were not affixed to their rails, they would
attempt to pass each other in India. From ‘all-way stops’ to ‘yielding’, it
would seem as if the entire country had simply woken up one day with the roads
laid out and combustion engine automobiles resting nearby without their
manuals. In their attempt to utilize these miracles of the industrial age, it
was trial and error as they all zoom about without the slightest of standards
or organization.
The word ‘chaos’ does not do Indian motorists justice.
Despite the factory installed mirrors, turning signals and brake lights, it
would seem the sole method of on-road communication is the horn. Indeed the
loudest and largest horns indicate who has priority on the pavement. Domination
by deafening is the rule of the road.
Certainly without the noise how would one know where to
drive? Some prehistoric civilization painted arbitrary white lines on the sides
and in the middle of the streets, yet to decipher what they were to mean might
be impossible. Why restrict the 4 meter wide road to two lanes? Push those
shoulders in as well and you have four lanes at all times! Double speed!
Now those massive busses are thrown around like a dune
buggy, flying around mountain hairpins and passing semi-trucks on blind
corners. It would seem the smoldering remains of the last two busses lying on
the side of the road simply did not make the right offerings to the gods, and
that can be only explanation for the misfortune.
The only way to maintain sanity would be to close your eyes
and pretend you are on roller coaster. After all, the locals are not surprised
when foreigners throw their arms around and scream anyway.
3)
One
Photo Please!
For any first time visitor in India, three words will ring
through your ears more than any other, regardless of where you go, or who you
find. Perhaps the highest form of currency in India is a snapshot with a
foreigner, or maybe Indians are vampires who feed on pictures with strangers.
Either way, most of the young people you find will stop you for the opportunity
to hold you close (for the guys) and prove that they know an expat.
I strongly suggest not giving into these requests as you
might find yourself overwhelmed by the zombie like mass which may follow. It is
not ‘brains’ they mutter, but ‘ONE PHOTO’. An alternative would be to
ask them why, perhaps they may reason on their own how creepy it is to ask
strangers for a photograph, not to mention that they smile in it. To answer ‘No.’
not only seems unsatisfactory to them, but is usually followed by pleading.
My personal sure-fire way to avoid this dilemma is to
respond in the language native to all Indians.
“Fifty rupees, one photo!”
This is typically followed by disappointed eyes and slumped
shoulders. The Grinch’s heart shrunk three sizes that day.
4)
Maintenance
They don’t make them like they used to! Well by that I
suppose, the things used to just fix themselves, and now they simply fall
apart. That is all well and good when it comes to the more disposable things in
life, but now everything is allowed to fall into dilapidation until unusable.
Buildings, cars, gardens, machines, and anything you can
think of will be in pieces in no time, as time and nature takes its toll, to
the confusion of its owners. Who knew rust was avoidable? Is it true buildings
don’t have to fall apart after ten years? It turns out boats don’t have to sink
five years after purchase. Gardens grow into national parks with ‘Enter at own
risk!’ posted at the entrance.
Everybody follows Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, but what is
the point of a public toilet if it becomes overrun by an entire ecosystem? New
shopping malls from last year look like they have been hit by a tsunami , and
the architectural delights of the old British rule are now part of some apocalyptic
experiment. Perhaps Wall-E will be needed sooner than expected.
5)
Hygiene
Not to make a cheap shot, but it had to come up. I am far from a germophobe, but you know, some
things are just crossing the line. I honestly have to ask where people wash
their clothes and dishes. If they live near the river, the most common way is
to gently dip the plates into the river water, then air dry them before
deploying one’s dinner on it.
I suppose nothing takes the cake more than when I saw the
restaurant owner bring in wood for the fire, pat the feral dogs, clean up the kitchen scraps, take a piss on
the wall, scratch his belly, digging for nosegold, then come and hand serve me
some fresh chapatti, all without a single rinse of the hands.
Oh you are not satisfied with the
booger-belly-hair-piss-and-fleas-coated chapatti? The imagination takes over
from there. Universally, every single hotel and restaurant I have ever been to
in India, the word cleaning means the floor and table surfaces only. For
anything else, refer to the maintenance section.
Lastly, I am obliged to mention the universal toilet:
everywhere! It would seem to be a public works project, to blanket the entire
country in piss. Every wall of every street, if you smell nothing in
particular, then society should be ashamed. Down a couple cups of tea and get
at it! My stand-out photo however, should speak for itself.
------If anyone has anything else to add, I would love to hear it!
Please comment.
